Michael Moore’s “Pledges”

Michael Moore (not the ex PM, the fat ugly liar one) has published a list of Pledges.

Quite aside from the possibility he plagiarised it, it bears some replying to.

[Starting Fisk]

1.) We will always respect you. We will never, ever, call you “unpatriotic” simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.

Don’t make me laugh. Your Fahrenheit 9/11 is already published – we already know how much you respect us. See below.

2.) We will let you marry whomever you want (even though some among us consider your Republican behaviour to be “different” or “immoral”). Who you marry is none of our business. Love, and be in love — it’s a wonderful gift.

The fact that you think you can stop us marrying is a concern. Oh wait, you’re actually talking about you new definition of marriage, which bears no relation to the real thing. Again, it would be a real concern if those laws were written so only non-Republicans could use them.

3.) We will not spend your grand children’s money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It’s your checkbook too, and we will balance it for you.

I’ll assume by this you mean that you’ll be ending state funded welfare. I’ll believe it when I see it.

Not your best work, this paragraph. Too many coded words – perhaps you could be a bit more direct, we’re a bit slow on this side.

4.) When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home too. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on some amateur Power Point presentation cooked up by men who have never been to war.

Indeed, it would be a concern if wars were started on the basis of PP presentations. I hear Bush just asks for the core recommendations verbally. Hey, I heard that from you – what gives?

Yea, the whole “we’ll respect you” thing’s really coming out again. How about starting that one by re-writing this paragraph to reflect that the war intel was in tune with all other western nation’s intel agencies.

5.) When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you too will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that afflict you and your loved ones, we’ll make sure those advances are available to you and your family too.

Sheesh. Where do I begin?

Universal health care delivers one thing: universal queues. Believe me, my country was one of the first to implement it.

So your promises are contradictory: you can’t promise both universal health care and that you’ll see a doctor under it. Oh, unless your rich – then you’ll be fine. (Not like socialists to implement something that disadvantages the poor is it?)

Also, we don’t oppose stem cell research, just the stuff that kills potential babies – you know, the one that currently isn’t delivering anything useful. The other ones that work we have always been fine with. If you read a little more you’d know that.

6.) When we clean up our air and water, you too will be able to breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water. When we put an end to global warming, you will no longer have to think about buying oceanfront property in Yuma.

Again with the confusion. Cleaning up air and stopping global warming are completely different.

We like our CO2 thanks (it makes trees grow, among other things), but we’ll join you in projects to get the rest of the crap out of the air, so long those projects are worth doing – we’re not going to kill off people’s jobs so they can live longer, that would be stupid.

7.) Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you.

Look, we respect you enough to not tell stupid obvious lies, can you try?

8.) We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived.

Mass murder will continue on the unborn you mean? Thought you’d just ruled that out. Lucky I already pointed out that lie, otherwise I’d have to do it again.

9.) We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren’t much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, take up another sport. In the meantime, we will arm the deer to make it a fairer fight.

You’re really having a lot of trouble with no. 1, aren’t you?

10.) When we raise the minimum wage, we will raise it for your employees too. They will use that money to buy more things, which means you will get the money back! And when women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage too.

Women make just as much as men in the same jobs, they just value other things than money and choose other jobs. How hard is that to understand?

When do we get our money back on the minimum wage? Before or after we fire those who can’t produce at the level of the new minimum productivity standards?

11.) We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don’t practice those beliefs. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs (“Blessed are the peacemakers,” “Love your enemies,” “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God” and “Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me”). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn’t just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism — starting here at home.

Clearly you don’t respect us much or you’d know it’s “The Eye of The Needle” – it’s a reference to a gate that actually existed in Jerusalem as an after-hours entrance if you really had to get in.

Putting that aside this sounds fine, except we know what you mean by the last sentence – it’s code for not implementing the first, since you’ll decide what constitutes “intolerance” and “fanaticism”.

12) We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and break the law. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side first. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition.

You’ve already failed this one very, very, very badly by having Murta at all, let alone nominating him as a leader in your party.

We’ll certainly call you up, and as you’ve notice have already done so. Of course, the media is on your side so we’ll get ignored a bit.

I promise all of the above to you because this is your country too. You are every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together. We sink or swim as one. Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans — and for the rest of the world.

Yea, I get it. You won so we’re not evil any more.

Reading the above, “bit” is a very good adjective to use here.

Now pull yourself together and let’s go have a Frappuccino.

Hey, let’s make a deal – you implement no1 first by re-writing this. Then I’ll join you for whatever you’d like, my treat.

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