John Key is So Awesome

I was inspired by Cactus Kate’s “Jack Baur” comment to make a further list… feel free to add your own.

  • John Key doesn’t make losses, it’s the market that makes makes mistakes sometimes when John is ready to sell
  • John Key smiles so much because he once won a stock picking competition with Donald Trump. The looser had to wear a bad toupée for the rest of his life.
  • Helen Clark’s teeth were not photoshopped in the last election’s billboards, they only went crooked after standing on the podium with John Key. That was close enough.
  • Labour says Key wakes up and thinks about his stocks. He doesn’t. He wakes up and telepathically orders the markets back to where he thinks they should be.
  • John Key counts sheep to get to sleep. He once tried counting the number of pathetic attacks Labour made on him that week and didn’t finish until dawn so he doesn’t do that anymore.
  • Parliaments’ floor is said to be two and a half swords lengths apart. This used to be true, but it’s now defined as the distance a corrupt minister is physically able to sit from John Key without crumbling into dust when John smiles at them.
  • John Key was the guy who shorted all those airline stocks before 9/11, because he was able to predict it. He considered calling Bush to warn him but Bush was too overcome by the honour of being called by John Key to listen to what he was saying.
  • John Key was the one who made it rain every second day in Auckland after the PM announced a drought this year.
  • John Key deliberately looks evasive sometimes to give Helen Clark a chance to catch up a little in the polls. He’s that much of a nice guy. So far however, it hasn’t worked.
  • Jack Baur once tried to kill John Key but John was able to predict this and via complex manipulations in the financial markets was able to keep Jack busy fighting terrorists that day. So far, Jack has tried this 6 times and failed every time.
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