International Cat Speculators Since 2006

Quotes and Tips

Heh, every year I make the telephone suggestion to someone.

Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where
you’re at work in your underwear during a fire

Always take time to stop and smell the roses…
and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do
not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do
not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone.
Just take another road. That’s why the highway
department made so many of them.

When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes
the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain
and gag himself.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard
near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls,
you can hold the receiver up to it and run your
fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Helpful Tips:

Old telephone books make ideal personal
address books. Simply cross out the names
and addresses of people you don’t know.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an
expensive car phone by holding an old TV or
video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and
mounting the curb.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid
tuna. You might find that the subsequent food
poisoning will enable you to lose 12 pounds in
only two days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield
wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave
your car parked illegally.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking
tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping
them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on
your bathroom carpet.  (Unless you have a red
carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should
be selected).

If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic.
Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat
and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Comments on: "Quotes and Tips" (2)

  1. […] you see the one about Quotes and tips at Something should go here (where there’s several other jokes posted […]

  2. YAA Adding this to my bookmarks. Thank You

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